you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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