So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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