life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
