Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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