After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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