Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
