just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
