I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
