gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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