woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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