I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
