It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
