My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
