its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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