i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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