why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
