Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
