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she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
