dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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