i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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