I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
