proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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