he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
