I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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