Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
