i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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