i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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