My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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