I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Randomize
