Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
