This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
