it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
