Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
