i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
