You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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