I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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