My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
