If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
