I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
