Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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