So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
