OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So vagazzling was a success
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
