Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
