I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
