Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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