i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
