i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
