Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
My balls are so social today.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
