i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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