Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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